Him: I think I would prefer some space.

I never saw myself getting into a position to be hurt by him in anyway again. Unfortunately my wanting me rid my house of the last of this stuff want just wanting to message him in general got the better of me. Sending him a message asking to send him his things.

I did know he would be settled into his new job now but only a week after telling me he never wanted to ‘hurt my heart’ again it was peculiar and quite off putting to receive cold messages back. I suppose my messages weren’t exactly warm but wasn’t he still in love with me a week ago. To be fair the begging email had been quite a while ago but  the conversation after I replied told me he was still pining.

So why did he seem so disinterested in my text about his things. After trying to find out if he wanted me to bin it all or not I got ignored. Pretty harsh and childish but to be fair I suppose I was jealous of the idea that he was out touring the country with friends for work and I was at home in bed. I got so frustrated that he didn’t reply I ended up sending  him message asking me to just reply because it would only take a second and a reply was a restful thing to do. Another cold reply. Well I was just upset this time. After that I expressed to him that I was just trying to be civil and wanted him to know that and couldn’t work out if he wanted the same.

No reply.

The next day comes and my anxiety is pretty much through the the roof.

Whatsapp being the devil that it is I knew he was ignoring me. So I asked him if he wanted to be left alone or he was busy.

The came the reply, ‘I think I would prefer some space ATM. Sorry.’

Space? Space?!! He needs space. I’m the one who was cheated on, who has been begged back for, harassed for days and he needs space after one text conversation. Anger brewed in devastation. Was he over me? Just like that? Was he having such a great time in this new job that he was moving on? Had he met someone? This was all a week after a last heart felt (albeit short) text message. I was enraged and so upset. How had the ball been put in his court? That was absolutely not his decision to make. Well, I suppose he can do whatever he wants if he is over me.

I spoke to a friend of mine who was equally as enraged. I told my friend I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. My friend knew I wouldn’t have actually lost it with him, so he asked me what I wanted to say. I said I wanted to tell him that I was just trying to be civil, there was no need to ignore me and that it wasn’t your decision to make. I also wanted to say that he was the same guy that had messaged me that email weeks ago and told me he never wanted to hurt me and now this! I couldn’t believe it but my most sensible friend responded in a way I thought he never would, ‘do it!’ He said. Get those things off your mind for you and don’t harbour that anxiety he told me.

I messaged him and told him I would like one last conversation and I would leave him to it after that. Thank goodness he relied telling me he would call me after work. I would have felt like such an idiot. Such a hurt idiot all over again.  I felt better already knowing he did want to talk though.

Then came the wait for him to finish work. Oh gosh. We hadn’t spoken in months. Perhaps this was all a terrible idea. I was about to find out…

 

 

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Breaking my silence.

It was going so well. I was doing so well.

You sent me that email begging for me back and I remained strong. At the moment you sent it I felt so distracted by the hard day at work that it hadn’t really sunk in.

It was simple not to to reply at the time. Then the days starting going by. That begging email brought it all back up. Everything. Every deceitful thing you had done, everything you had done to hurt me. It wasn’t fair.

Almost four weeks went by before I replied.

I wanted you to know that it hurt me to hear those things. That it was too much all in one go. That is shocked me and I thought you would have been over it by now. Not that I wanted you to be. That I now couldn’t get that email out of my head.

I wish I could be more honest and tell you I missed your smell too and your stupid jokes and the being close to you. I wish I could have said nice things too and tell you that too much has happened but I fantasise about being over it years from now and us ending up together just like a friend of mine this happened to.

Instead I stuck to the facts. I never asked you to leave me alone. Why did I still not ask you to leave me alone. I was so dismissive but somehow still wanted you to reply.

Me: I’d like a reply please.

You: I think I misread your message and you wanted me to leave you alone.

I didn’t know what I wanted just that it was nice to hear you still wanted me.

The apology about hurting me with the email was something I appreciated and also took as our last hurrah. You said you want to stop hurting me and you just missed me and should keep it to yourself. I had no idea what to say to that. Nor to the text you sent me about not being able to hurt my heart again.

So I left it.

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Then he throws a curve ball. 

 

It’s been a good few weeks since we’ve spoken. With some consecutive good days under my belt and a week from hell I feel back on the right track. Well I did until you decided you weren’t done.

Since the night you switched off your phone that night and I spiraled I’ve felt like not talking to you has never made more sense. Not that I felt like a priority the whole time we were chatting but that night jolted me into reality.

You said ‘I couldn’t stop talking to you right now.’ Yes you’d been drinking but it was cocky beyond belief and even made me wonder if it’s what you actually wanted. You regretted it for sure once I condemned you for you arrogance. The apologies came fast! Telling me it’s not what you wanted at all.
You did say you would call me the next day but after a night of choosing friends over speaking to me, I thought we were done.

Once a week passed I’d received casual messages after this. I counted down the time to when you get busy again and get bored.
Every time a week passed I thought that was the last once and prepared myself to never hear from you again.

It was actually nice to hear something from you even though I wasn’t responding. Nice to know you were hurting and thinking about me too. Having them only come once a week was good too, not too overwhelming.
Then the last text came, ‘I miss you deeply.’ Those words gave me joy and anxiety all in one. You had never expressed feelings without me asking first, in all this.
Ok. I thought. I can deal with this and I still don’t feel the impulse to message back. Then came the call. I just stared at my phone. I suppose a split second came when I thought I might call you back but I had done so well not messaging back these last few weeks. I didn’t want to take steps back.
I told my friends about this and they congratulated me. My friends had always told me how strong I was. It was as though they recognized the old me again. Truly confident.
A missed call and a small admission of feelings. I couldn’t shake it. It seemed like nothing and I knew it would mean nothing to anyone else but he was always keen to play it safe after this break up. Even after hurting me he wouldn’t lay his cards on the table for fear of rejection from me. What a selfish coward.

Long day at work had finally ended. Probably the most challenging days I ever had. I really got into it with a colleague and was furious.

It’s like you knew, because then I received your email.

A well structured, pour your heart out message asking for me back. After a hard day and just wanting to hear his voice, it took everything for me to not message him back.
Why now? The message said you were giving me space while we were speaking again, hoping not to push me away. You wanted to slowly rebuild a friendship and trust.
I didn’t want your friendship. I wanted to be told how much I meant to you, constantly apologizing. You didn’t seem to have that passion, even when I let you back in for those two weeks.
So why now? In the email you listed all the things you miss about us being together. It was awful to realise I missed some of these things too.

I will do everything in my power to stay away from you.

Except block you. I’m not ready to try that again. It confuses me to hear from you but the emptiness of wondering if you still care would be too much if I was to stop myself receiving anything.

I wonder if this email was his last attempt. Only time will tell.

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Two weeks forward, one week back.

imageTwo weeks of positivity. Two weeks of looking forward. I was working on a new project for a week and meeting new people. The week after, I started my new job. I was away from home and my routine.

He popped into my head occasionally of course but it was all very surface and wasn’t causing me that strain in my heart.

I felt like I was on my way. I knew I wasn’t out of the woods yet but after such a great two weeks, I couldn’t have predicted the week I had just experienced.

It was like being a a time machine. I kept getting stuck in these feeling and thoughts I had when I just found out what he did. Even when I had been busy and we sat I meeting I couldn’t escape.

The night time was even worse. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat. I would feel nothing but lonely. My new worry was him now moving on. I knew there was now no way for me to find out easily if he had but he was about the start this new venture. He is likely to find someone to at least sleep with. I wanted to move on too. Quickly! But what if I couldn’t trust again? What if he was destined to find some one but I wasn’t. What if my career continues to go from strength to strength to the detriment of any relationship. No everyone gets married and finds someone. What if that was where my life is headed?

I then started to go back in my memory pinpointing the point where I could have avoided this by getting out of the relationship when I was unhappy. Why didn’t I get out when I realised he didn’t make me laugh, when our sex life became more and more dull, when he ended things the first time, when I couldn’t picture myself walking down the aisle with him. I started to blame myself again. Worse this time. Maybe if I had shouted at him less about cleaning up after himself , maybe if I could have controlled my anxieties about my body and kept it to myself, maybe if I was less scared about things going wrong and my life plans changing and just moved in with him.

It was like my body only understood anxiety. I started to remember  things he had done and said that I thought I had moved on from.

It just goes to show that you don’t know when you will be over it. Please, for the love of God help me get over it. I have never found it easy to trust people anyway so this has shaken me to my core but I can only hope that this won’t keeping coming back to haunt me.

 

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His fight was never good enough…

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I thought he was going to fight with every inch of his being. He was never particularly good at expressing his feelings until I forced it out of him but I suppose in these desperate times I was hopeful that circumstances would force him to.
He cheated on me. He seemed to give up on me straight away. Told me he didn’t deserve me and then told me he wanted me back if I would allow it.
So I was ready. Ready for the fight for me. Watching too many films meant I had written the script in my head already.
For a while I gave him a window.

After New Years, speaking to him was never about testing him and seeing if he would be able to win me back. It was something I needed to do for myself. In a crazy way it made me feel like I wasn’t going through this terrible ordeal on my own. Like the only person who could console me was the very person who had wronged me so badly. But he couldn’t console me. Not only for the reasons you would expect but also that he was never great at consoling me anyway. He always seemed to lack that skill. He empathised but couldn’t put suggestions of solutions into words and often would say, ‘Oh I wish I could make it better’ but wouldn’t be able to reassure me. I’d nerve met anyone like him in that way. Also, someone who said I love you so little. I mean, I didn’t shout it from the roof tops too often but i definitely could have done with hearing it more instead of hearing he didn’t want to overuse it. He was such an affectionate boyfriend but words were something he struggled with if it wasn’t about work or something that didn’t involve emotion.
I suppose he is sounding like any stereotype of a male but that’s just it. Anyone who met hun would say how soft spoke and lovely he was. He would be so considerate so it surprised my friends when I told him he was bad at sharing his feelings.
When we did start to speak again after months I was tentative. I didn’t want to speak to him about my life, let him back in. I knew that my mind was made up and that we couldn’t be together again but I also knew it was driving me crazy not to know where he was every day or what he was doing and if he was ok. Ok? As if I was worried about his health.
I promised myself I would speak to him until it didn’t make me feel good anymore. So after one massive blow out that we managed to claw ourselves back from I was quite positive about us at least being friends.
Then came the end of the two weeks of on and off chat.

He told me was thinking about travelling with work and the job would be for a year. This was it, the moment I knew. We had to stop talking. I knew we couldn’t even be friends with him being away travelling around the country, only home every couple of weeks. I’ve travelled for work with these same type of people and it’s an absolute shag fest. If I couldn’t trust him when we lived in the same city, how would I trust him when we apart and juts trying to build a friendship.
He would have no loyalties to me but if we were talking I would feel like he still does. While we were trying to rebuild a friendship he could fall for someone else or just sleep with someone and I know I would feel betrayed all over again.
Days past after I told him we needed to stop speaking. I wasn’t ready to stop and I pushed myself into it thinking I was strong enough to make that final decision but then came the night he helped make the decision for me.
I wanted to speak to him before the end of my last job. It felt like the end of a chapter. I’ve had been there every step of the way fighting to get it, through the ups and downs of my role. I had found out in this same job about the cheating and we had broken up all in this year. It was the end of an era and it felt like the perfect time for us to say goodbye.
I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say but asked him to chat that night. We couldn’t chat the night before because he was out with work friends celebrating rationing long the end of their contract. He assured me we could talk the next day. I felt slightly rejected but it actually didn’t really bother me.
This night his text responses were slow. He just told me he couldn’t chat. No explanation, just that.
He wanted to talk the next day but I already suggested we just leave things on a nice note.
A long time afterwards and he apologised and said he couldn’t speak he was out with friends.
My mind spiralled out of control. It transported me back to that night he said he was out getting drunk and ended up being the night he had cheated. I had convinced myself he was sleeping with or with a girl. I felt like his brief, cagey answers were his way of not wanting to tell me what was going on. I asked him why he couldn’t talking thinking he would explain or perhaps ring me just for a few minutes but her didn’t. He was never good at taking hints.
That night he switched off his phone. After telling me he didn’t want to speak while he was drinking and he would ring me tomorrow. I didn’t want to speak tomorrow. I became adamant that this needed to be the last oh it we spoke.
We text a few more times with me getting frustrated but after trying to ring him once I became desperate. I became someone I was ashamed of. I wanted to confront him if he was up to something. So about 30 unsuccessful phone calls later he messaged me saying he was sorry and didn’t realise how badly he was ignoring me.
It was 4:30am. I was exhausted, upset and paranoid. I yelled telling him that he needed to do more to settle my anxiety and all he had to do was call me for 5 minutes, making me a priority but not only that making sure I was settled and had faith in him.
He later admitted that he felt like he had made that decision not to talk to me and it was his prerogative. I explained to him how cocky he sounded and that he wasn’t looking out for my feelings. Then it dawned on me. He would never have the capacity to really see things from my side.
He said he was scared to say things whilst drinking. I assumed it would be things that made him feel weak. Made him feel vulnerable. Later in the conversation he revealed that one of these things he wasn’t trying to hold in was that he didn’t think I could STOP talking to him right now.
I can’t believe he was being so stupidly honest.

He told me he didn’t want to stop talking and he knew it sounded cocky but ‘despite what you have said he knew we were going to keep talking even for a bit.
That was it. That was the push I needed. We said goodnight, him telling me he would call me tomorrow and I didn’t have to pick up but he still wanted to speak.

This has to be it. Is this it?

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Final Countdown 

If he could hear my thoughts the last few days it would sound a little something like this.

It’s been two weeks since we starting talking.
I want to hear from you but it makes me feel weak. I trust that you are sorry and that you think you will never do this again but how can I ever be sure? Of course you are capable. You did it the first time, you are more than capable of doing it again.

You seem to get upset almost angry when I bring up what has happened after a positive conversation. I suppose I have to remind myself so I don’t get too comfortable. I know you are ashamed but you still did it. You have no right to get on a high horse about any of this.

I can’t believe I am talking to you again. The man who claimed he loved me, slept with someone else. Who I later found out went behind my back to buy a house without me knowing because he was ‘too scared to disappoint me’ and tell me he wasn’t buying in my city anymore.

I thought we would never speak again. I was in such agony everyday because I thought we would never hear from each other again but here we are texting and even talking in the phone.
All I know now is it’s great to hear your voice and to hear from someone who so badly wants to hear from me. It’s familiar. I still know I can’t be with you but maybe one day we could be friends.

You seem so understanding right now. Almost like you would do anything to get things back to normal. You even say this. When I don’t want to tell you what’s been happening in my life you are more than happy to play by my rules. You tell me over and over that you are happy to take things as slow as I need to ‘rebuild any kind of relationship.’
I’m assuming you’ve not hassled me more so I don’t feel overwhelmed but then comes that thought in the back of my head that tells me you could be doing something. Anything that is deceitful just like you have before. Just like I never expected.
I want so badly to use you as a means of getting over you. It sounds ridiculous I know. I hope to keep you in my life at arms length. I want you to still want me but I would love nothing more then to have you in my life until I am ready to move on. I don’t want to be rejected by you once again. We can keep talking as long as it doesn’t feel harmful to me.
When you gave me your news it changed everything.
I picked up the phone and casually he told me he had news.

When he told me he had been offered a job where he would have to travel with work around the country, my world came crashing down again.
I realised straight away he would be away with beautiful woman, in the same work environment he was in when he was a promiscuous young guy. The same work environment he had been in when he cheated on me. I knew straight away this all spelled doom. The whole time we had been chatted he was back in his home torn away from that world and our industry but now he was going right back into the thick of it.

I would spend most of the year wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with. Yes jobs like that meant he could come back and visit me because travel would be so simple but what about most of the year he wasn’t with me?

After all this time around he would have no loyalty to me. Even when he did he slept with someone else.
The social life on the job takes over. He attentions would be spilt and eventually I would suffer and feel neglected.
I couldn’t handle that for a year. The paranoia, the arguments, the discussions, the tears for a year and all knowing that I wasn’t planning to get back together. It would all be just to keep him in my life.

Maybe it was to make sure he didn’t move on.
All these thoughts came in a flash.

He just said he MIGHT be going away with work around the country. I had done this type of work myself. You can come home most weekends if you want to but I still froze.
Half an hour later came The Conversation.

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We Spoke…

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A few days after New Years and with the blessing of my Mum and one of my most understanding friends I took the plunge and I messaged him. It seems insane now that I worried so much about sending a text saying ‘Happy New Year’ but after contemplating how it would make me feel if he didn’t respond or rejected me I was left with an empty feeling seconds after I pressed send.

Then he replied ‘Happy New Year to you too.’

Was that it? The message I had been waiting for, for months. That was the response I received after giving him a window?

After a very tentative conversation that seemed almost narcissistic on his part I told him he needn’t be cold and I understood that he wasn’t interested.

He quickly warmed up and expressed how happy he was to hear from me but that he was basically playing it cool as to not scare me off.

After quite a bit of texting conversation turned to past events. Something he said about a house he wanted to buy didn’t make sense though.

Dates weren’t adding up.

Had he gone ahead and put offers on a house in his home town without my knowledge?

This positive conversation then turned into something else. Without realizing he had admitted to me that he kept another major secret from me.

In no way were we close to marriage but him buying a house had been the topic of conversation between us for our entire relationship. The whole time I had known him he wanted to buy but when he began to work where I lived in a much bigger city he started to look here. As our relationship grew weaker he began to talk more about buying in his home now. I was bitterly gutted. He only had one relative there and I knew he wanted to keep traveling with work but he wanted that to be his base.

Little did I know that the house he was about to buy had shamefully come out of deceiving me. He had told me he was visiting a family member but failed to mention that during this visit he had seen FIVE houses in the process. He had put offers on and had one accepted but I only heard of any of this when all this was done and now that our relationship is over. I was devastated to hear of yet another deceit.

Why another lie? Of course this turned into a massive argument.

I finally did it. After months of holding back and sparing his feelings I told him everything.

The fact I thought he was a coward. I thought he was evil and he has treated me worse then anyone I have ever known. It went on.

He let me go and go on until he finally said something. It was about his guilt. The fact that he wasn’t sure how he had become this person. I would be lying if his admission of his own short comings didn’t make me feel better.

After the bitter blow of another major lie I was terrified to hear he had more to reveal. I wish I could have stopped talking to him but I just couldn’t stop myself. His voice was so familiar. He was so sorry and after 11pm turned into 2am the conversation too a turn for the better. How odd that a major argument had turned into us reminiscing about our relationship? Hours later and I even let out one laugh.

This is actually turned into a relief. Just to speak to him and hear that he still cares was something I couldn’t imagine. We finally said goodbye at 4am and then began a confusing on and off two weeks of messaging.

 

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Reflection thy curse is New Years Eve.

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New Years Eve!

Though I brought in the New Year with two of my best friends in the world on a joyful note, the start of the day was a different story. I would love to hear about people’s experiences and views on the rest of this post to hopefully gain a bit of perspective.

As I suspected with each milestone comes major reminders. What I really didn’t expect were the intense feelings of loneliness and the occasional yet very strong feelings of hopelessness.

Just like Christmas Day I had the realisation that you weren’t with me. That we are no longer together. This time after a productive day of preparing myself for the new year it came from nowhere. I walked past the last place you told me you were with her before you left for her place that night. I had been past there before, it’s right near by work so it’s hard to avoid. Normally I force it to be a passing thought but today was different. It was New Year’s Day, we were supposed to be together. I didn’t want to reflect on all that had happened but I just couldn’t get him out of my mind this day.

Walking into a restaurant on my break I just wanted to order my food and get on with my day. Hold on.. Why did the tears keep coming? Why couldn’t I look the waiter in the eye? I had just realised I was in the restaurant where my friend first told me about the night that turned out to be your night of infidelity. How has the whole of this city become so tainted for me.?

I hadn’t felt like this at work in such a long time. I tried so hard to hold it in but just had to call my Mum. I had to talk to someone. I had kept it in too long, I had stopped talking to people about it, about him. This time of year is all about joy and loved ones I just didn’t want to be in a place where I am bringing down other people’s day. I also didn’t want the cliches anymore. I was scared to feel dismissed or like I was boring people with something it now seemed I was starting to get over.

I said the things I hadn’t yet said out loud.

‘I want to hear from him.’
‘I don’t want him to be over me and I’m scared he is.’
‘I feel so alone when I wake up.’
‘Everything reminds me of him.’
‘I am scared I will never trust anyone again.’
‘I feel more hurt then anger towards them both.’
‘I’m scared it will always effect me.’
‘I thought I was a good judge of people. This has made me trust no one.’
‘I want his love for me to be so strong that he hasn’t given up on the fight.’

Most of these feelings I hadn’t really admitted to myself. I suppose the only great thing about this break down was realising where I am now. What I’m still feeling and what is new has become apparent. It makes it no easier to deal with but it takes away a burden.

Let me just be honest with myself for a moment. I do want you to message me. I’m so aware I told you not to and I ignored a text you sent me last month but I did want a message on Christmas Day and on New Year’s Day. I expected it in fact.

I  want to hear from you on my birthday. Hearing from you seems like a temporary fix. I don’t want to feel like I’m going through this on my own. I want you to be suffering too so I feel less on my own, so I feel adequate, so I feel wanted. I am so terrified that you have now decided this has all been for the best. After all, you did break up with me once with some prodding and you at first said you cheated because you felt trapped and like there was no way out.

After someone has sabotaged a relationship so many much and wanted an out twice, surely the regret for what they have done turns into feeling like it was ‘all for the best.’
This is what I am afraid of.

I want to message you just so I know not only where you are emotionally but also where you are in the world. Do you still want me? Thank goodness I am so afraid of the rejection and too proud to actually text you. I feel like staying away from you is all for the best right now especially when there is nothing specially I want to say and I still don’t want to be together.

However, something my Mum recently said has got me thinking. After listening to me talk about wanting to hear from him and wanting to speak to him for so long she has given me advice. She feels I could afford to think less logically with matters of the heart. She normally isn’t very forceful with her opinions and just listens but after hearing me yesterday and Christmas Day she has gently reminded me it is ok to take action and ‘make mistakes’ if I need to.
She helped me realise that waiting for him to message me (though sensible) was slight torture for myself. She told me it was ok to send him a message saying ‘Happy New year’ or something to that affect if I wished. She asked me the reasons I wasn’t messaging. I explained I was scared of rejection, I was scared it would all feel worse contacting him and that it would have no purpose because I know I don’t want him back. I also explained my ego being a major factor and I feel embarrassed going back to a boy (in any capacity) who has let me go twice. One and a half times. I’m not sure really.

She told me if these were the reason it was ok to contact him and see how it does make me feel. Even though I stood so firm on not contacting him still it was like having a weight lifted knowing at least one person in my life wouldn’t give me judgement if it were to happen. I later on told her that I wanted to get to a place where being without him was the norm. She later dropped the idea of me messaging him saying this was a completely valid reason to not message him.

I suppose all I can do now is stay busy and wait for this faze of the break up to end.
Birthday party here I come. I wish I didn’t care about you messaging me that day too.
Two milestones down. I can do this.

 

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Sent from my iPhone

Boxing Day Blues vs Post Christmas gratitude

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I must say that although my family aren’t the Christmas type, I had far less moments of wanting to run off in any direction to escape then I normally would. I woke up the same as I always would, desperately trying to bring the Christmas cheer but met by the usual ‘humbugs.’ This year I couldn’t afford to let myself get too down about it, it was hard enough not to think of him anyway but remembering the day was made easier with him there last year was a hard memory.

Hearing about friends and others stories of infidelity, I assumed that although I had clearly asked for space he wouldn’t be able  to resist texting me on a day like Christmas. Messages came in as usual but as time went on I realised he was not going to message me.

It actually effected me a lot as we rolled into the evening of the day. I spoke to my Mum about it who had actually expected him to message me too. She also quite rightly said I had asked for space but had to be aware he was going to give it to me. I guess I assume that his desperate love for me and wanting him back would override my request. I suppose I still want so much to be wanted by him that in my head him selfishly texting me would be a lot better then ignoring the day. I do wonder if he will do the same with my birthday fast approaching.

It’s been a month since I heard from him last and two since we spoke I think. I wonder, is that is? Are we done now?

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Girls night in.

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An impropmptu girls night with my best friend (who I never see enough of) and another female friend of ours ended what seemed liked another dooms days, much better than it started.

Having been friends with these girls since we were 15/16 we had seen eachother go through a lot. It was evitable but we finally had that ‘chat.’ It was something I refused to let happen to me but it was the chat of uncertainty that comes with entering or being in the latter stages of your 20s. It always seemed crazy to me that people would feel insecure about direction at this point of their lives when we are still so young, now I am here it couldn’t be clearer.

In my early 20s it seemed so much easier to remain optimistic and excited about future no matter what life threw at me. Now entering the latter stage of my 20s babies are turning up, proposals and promotions are a plenty. I never once took time to think about who had the fear with me. Where is my career going? Will I ever be able to afford a house? Am I destined to be alone? Are all men like my exs or the exs of my closest friends? Why is life seemingly happening like a fairy tale for others but not for me?

I usually don’t allow myself to be negative with friends in person. It was definetly not a conscience effort I made but recently I have realised I do this in a bid to stop people from worrying about me in any way. I also find it a lot easier speaking about problems via text or phone call or tend to feel a lot worse out of the company of friends. By the time I do see friends in person I am usually delightfully distracted.

Sitting down with these girs I have grown up with and voicing these fears, feelings of jealousy, anxiety and frustration was so theraputic. The positivity is so exhausting at times that I now end up keeping so much of what I am feeling in my head.

It feels as though it’s gotten to the point in our break up that would be boring for even my closet of friends to hear. The most understanding of friends last responses to my situation resulted in short snappy answers or cliche solutions such as ‘time being a healer.’ I was never one for being great at sharing my feelings but now after weeks of not speaking about it with any of my friends, I’m afraid that bringing it up now would worry them and make them think I am taking a step back. Everyone is very aware that break ups take a long time to get over but as we all know th progress of a break up seems to take a lot longer to a person outside the break up. In other words everyone thinks I am doing so well it’s now hard to bring up my down days without being worried about boring people.

Today was a God send. Just to know that in one of my oldest friendships I am not alone. It is very normal to feel uncertain at this point of our lives. Seeing others accomplish things you would also like to or thought you might have by now is heartbreaking but I am far from alone on this journey.

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